Sunday, September 30, 2007

Advice from the Dating King

I know that I have been quiet on my blog for quite some time, but I could not come up with a good topic (or find the time). As I struggled to find a good topic, my Oklahoma consultant suggested I write about something where I have lots of experience. In her words, “Few people have spent as much time dating as you have, so you have soooooooo much to offer on THIS subject!” As I blurted out my indignation at what I think might have been a hidden jab, she quickly followed up with, “By default, you’re sorta the KING of dating; you've outlasted all the other single guys.” The ‘king’ eh? Cool! So, what follows is advice from years of experience from the (self-important clearing of throat) ‘DATING KING’.

Rule #1: Always forecast the first kiss. Why? Well, let me tell you about my first kiss. I was 15 years old and a charming older woman (17) had just gotten through putting hickeys (i.e., love-marks) all over my chest, but we had not even kissed yet (this is too weird to be a fabrication). Anyway, as I escorted my date(?) to the front door, my two sisters (ages 11 and 7) started cheering me on to kiss her. (Side note: Wouldn’t it be great if we had cheerleaders for each act of intimacy? The cheerleaders not only encourage us and pump us up, but they also tell us what to do. For example, “G-R-O-P-E, grope. Yes, grope the girl! Grope!” To which her cheerleaders could be cheering her on, “B-L-O-C-K, block that hand, block that hand!” … but I digress. Back to the story). So, there my sisters were cheering me on, “Kiss her Scott, kiss her.” Anyway, she waited patiently for me to process she would be receptive to a kiss since (1) she had just put hickeys on my chest while ‘studying’ on my bed, and (2) she was standing at the door looking at me while my two sisters keep repeating “kiss, kiss, kiss”. But I guess I waited too long because when I finally got up the nerve to go in for the very quick kiss, she leaned down to pick up her purse. What resulted was my fast-approaching mouth connecting with her eye; ramming her contact lens into her eyelid. OH, it was wonderful – my first kiss! As I floated to cloud nine, she was trying to dislodge the contact lens.

Rule #2: Watch what you eat before the first kiss. So, a year later I had my second kiss (with a different girl - things did not work out with the girl above after I rammed her contact lens into her eye). So, I took this beautiful girl out to eat. I had garlic chicken, onion rings, and a root beer to drink (remember I was only 16; I did not know better). Afterwards, we were sitting in my car, and the words of my buddy kept running through my mind, “This girl will make-out with anyone.” My little internal cheerleader gave me enough courage to go for the kiss. I SLOOOOWLY moved in for the kiss (I learned from my error above), and she responded (YES!). Right as I opened my mouth and our lips connected, a root beer stimulated belch with a garlic and onion chaser emerged; leaving my mouth and entering hers. I was mortified; she was grossed out; the date ended. (Side note: I know now that situation could have been salvaged with humor and apology, but alas, I just sat there and stared at her as she got out of the car and went inside). It would be two years before I kissed another girl...which leads to rule #3.

Rule #3: Be responsive to suggestions for improvement. Over the next two years, I dated a few girls, but I could never get the guts to kiss them after my previous experiences. In my sophomore year of college, I started dating a lovely young lady. I am not going to pretend our first kiss was skillfully accomplished, but it was glorious. However, she quickly recognized my limitation in the kissing arena. So, she would give me pointers. It was like my girlfriend and my cheerleader merged into one person, “Yes, loosen your lips a bit. There you go. Good job! Oh, I like the neck thing. Very nice!” I learned (1) to be receptive (and not offended) by helpful suggestions, (2) if I am not sure how to do something right, just ask, and (3) how to be a great kisser. I have applied rule #3 over and over again in relationships, and not just for kissing, but also for other aspects of emotional and physical intimacy. For example, other girlfriends ‘trained’ me to remember and celebrate anniversaries/holidays, give ‘appropriate’ gifts, express my feelings, and be a great lover (I just threw in the last one).

Rule #4: Gum is your best friend. Based on my example above, we can see the obvious role that gum can play in alleviating the stinky breath that may accompany a nice dinner. However, gum can be used in many other ways. For example, if you have a popcorn kernel or some other food stuck in your teeth, then chewing gum can often remove the annoying food; much better than using a finger or trying for hours to get it with your tongue. Next, gum can keep saliva going in those instances when your mouth dries up. A more creative use for gum occurred when I was in college. I went out with this sweet girl. After we started driving, I noticed this horrendous smell; she had obviously ‘passed gas’. If I rolled the window down in the freezing weather, she would know that I knew she had passed gas. But, if I did not get some fresh air coming in, I was going to have to sit in this awful stench. So, I pulled the car into a convenience store “to get some gum.” Of course I opened the door WIDE when I got out and back in. If there is no convenient store around, you could always throw your chewed gum out the window so that you could get in some fresh air (not that I advocate littering, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures).

Rule #5: Be on time. For those who have had me in my marriage/family course, you know this is a common theme females write about when describing their worst dating experience. Personally, I think this applies to women as well. Be ready when I get there – thank you very much!

Rule #6: Have a plan. Too often couples drive round and round polluting the atmosphere trying to figure out what to do and where to go. It is great that we are considerate of each other, BUT according to the females in my class when describing their perfect date, they like it when their partner plans the date. It shows the person thought about the date ahead of time. (Side note: Do not say “I don’t care where we eat” and then shoot down each of my suggestions - Argh!). Anyway, I took this delightful female out to eat dinner, but alas, I had no plan. So, as we drove around trying to find a place to eat, she started feeling week, dizzy, and confused due to low blood sugar. By the time we settled on a place, she had a headache. Well, needless to say, I did not get to show her what a great kisser I am. Bummer!

Well, with all of my years of experience, I could go on and on. But, I will leave that up to you. If you have an interesting experience or more dating advice, then add to the comments section.

Addendum: Okay, so I keep getting emails about the whole hickey-before-kiss thing. So, I realized I should clarify how the hickies happened considering how naïve I was. Specifically, as we were studying, the girl said “Hey, have you ever had a hicky before?” To which I embarrassingly responded “Uh, well, uh no, not really”. (Not really?!?!?! Sheesh!) ... To which she said “Well, you should have me give you one so you can tell your friends you have had one.” Her logic was sounding pretty good, but I hesitantly responded, “Well, uh, I am not sure about that. I don’t think I would want a hicky showing on my neck. It might be embarrassing.” To which she convincingly suggested, “You know, I could put one on your chest where no one can see it unless you want to show it off to your buddies.” Well, her logic did make sense to a naïve teenager. So, I took off my shirt so she could put a hicky on my chest. However, she kept "messing up" or "not doing it quite right"...the end result was I ended up with a bunch of “not quite right” hickies all over my chest. Yeah, you can definitely call me naïve ... Oh, and I never even showed my buddies because who wants to show off “not quite right” hickies?


Amy said...

So what you are saying is that your sisters actually helped you by being your cheerleaders. You really should tell them thanks!

Anonymous said...

All Hail the Date King!
(From the One Who Groomed Him For His Reign)

Kelli said...

You are so welcome for the help in accomplishing that "ever so special" first kiss. I agree with Amy. Thanks would have been a nice thing to hear. But alas, how many thanks do we owe you? Too many to count.

Michele said...

A cup of coffee and Plunk's Perceptions, what a fun way to start the day. Thank you for sharing your humourous take on life. I look forward to the next installment.

Lesley said...

This is some funny stuff :-) (even if I'm reading it months after everyone else, lol)

Dinora said...

Wow!!! I had a great time reading this. You had me cracking up. I'm sure many of us can relate to your experiences, and maybe that is why I find it so amusing. It took me back to my first kiss :) I must say I've enjoyed reading Plunk's Perceptions between my study breaks. Thanks!!!